I had an anxiety attack yesterday mid day. It was so easily slipped into even though I hadn’t experienced one in 6 months, not to this degree. Images of your death, PTSD are flowing into my days and I have to stamp on them like one of those beautiful red flying insects invading the US from China.
I had one clear day on Monday. My head was clear, I laughed and things came easily. Then the next day came and I was aware my ballast was off. Now this morning, buzzing legs fuzzy head and wonky walk.
Chemically the 3 to 4 weeks I was taking the extra .37 mg of Effexor is working its way out o my body. If a doctor can play the “let’s try this..and see what happens” game — so can I. My fear is that I caused myself to a state of exhaustion because of starting to take it. As if wanting to stay in this cocoon of illness. Is there something safe in it? Mary Ellen’s health hovering makes me angry. Playing with me. Interfering…Oh this health place called me back to find out more about you and I said… and they said that you really should… that it does cost allot…but all so she can feel better about having done her duty… (or so it feels to me). She questions my intentions, weather I’m doing enough, whether I want to heal. It was and is the same way with my grief.
Im the one experiencing this health issue(s)…alone…no “adult” to guide me or show me a way…everyone is guessing – I might as well go on a all butter diet – “that might help”. Of course, I do want to get better. So that’s a non issue. I want to rule out anything I’m doing that might be exacerbating my symptoms. Fear, eating habits, lack of sleep…All which are there.
How would I feel if it magically all stopped. I woke up and boom… no long covid symptoms… would the past 10 months be a wash? Waisted moments…of course not…they are gone… stats now, but I’ve gained a way of living my days.
So don’t go looking for trouble…tune into the channel reserved for you.
If magically today you were 100% free of symptoms – that doesn’t make the world right and you a fake, a fraud, a hypochondriac…It means your body is in balance…for now…nothing is forever…so set your sails, you sense the weather and have many islands to explore – shore off and be on your way, freedoms from expectation less travel.