From a camera angle my body and state seems alert, active and engaging. He talks, laughs and makes his way, drives like other 63 year old gay men. Dresses in an odd way with flowy pants and colorful splashes that match the tone of the day.
From my periscope – it takes all my energy to walk without falling, endure the imbalance in my head, the waves of exhaustion, the blank dead ends of thought – all as I make my way to dress my coffee, make a list, do the wash, etc.. It’s a fight to get through the day…
Yesterday, I fought my way through a jungle of quicksand, pulling my feet out getting back to my job as planned.
A corn plant 10ft high, stunted growth – fading leaves, no up to move to only out and over – imbalanced. I cut you down to the only new growth hidden under the bleach leave at the base of the plant.
The other two plants in the room – untouched for 20 years…watered buy not tended to… rotting roots, dead sections, too much soil or not enough light. Cut out the dead bits, break apart the living from the rotting, find what is still have the urge of growth and replant, tend, and hope for the best. The room seems empty. I’m used to having a jungle in the bedroom. “ALL THAT LIFE” surrounding me.. you would say…it’s true. But time to tend to that life and guide it help it grow.
I”ve either shocked them into giving up or into moving toward the light.
I was manic yesterday… to be honest. 4 projects in one day. Lamps, plants, laundry, lighting… Liz called and sounded alarmed at my voice and the way I spoke…huffing puffing and angry at my struggle to move and “do something”…
Some days I can manage the slog of my health journey. Other days, I slice through the jungle with my machete – not knowing the end, but with madness guiding me out of the cramped foliage.. It sounds dramatic.. but it’s exhausting.