I got up early and went to Sandyhook. It was lovely – I started walking at 7:40 and got back to the car at 9:15 am – I found a piece of green glass, stripped naked and swam in the cool water, noticed the remains of jelly fish a sure sign of August at the beach. And I talked with you, my love, trying to work out in my mind our relationship. Why I have no idea.

Sandy I returned home, happy I could drive, didn’t feel dizzy since I waited to take my pill till I got home. I made an omelette and took my dose, ready for what was to come… today, I feel sweaty, my stomach aches, and my brain is foggy… and numb… and sad… my fatigue and uneasiness about making this change is … I don’t know…

I’m feeling more lost than ever, but now the tears won’t come – I do get revved up, but not as much. Where are my tears? I ask and there they are glistening behind my eyeballs… No fear Dan, your waterspout of emotion is still available.

It’s 1:30pm and do I start a project… work on your website.. throw out your partials… work in the basement…

My mind isn’t clear enough. The side effects of “the pill” “the meds” are something I have to maneuver and surf… Grief is everywhere – death and destruction continues. You my dear are still dead – soon to be 1 year and 5 months… I continue to count… A second full moon is coming – what will I burn? What needs to be released?

I want to do… TO DO something… Make headway… then again… like your hand on my should on the beach…slowing my pace down… you were always trying to slow my pace to where I was present…and not rushing to the next “thing”. I feel that hand on my shoulder – the love and presence in it and ringing in my ears is you saying “Why do you flinch? I’m not going to hurt you? I’d never hurt you” as you tickled me in the kitchen…as we would dance….

But the hurt happened. You died. I loved, You loved.. You died and the hurt and open wound still bleeds.

Time for a nap.