Never be ashamed of who you are – what ever characteristic that day may catch your ire. Notice the difference of walking into Sunday event as opposed to Saturday and how you felt afterward.
Saturday was filled with gay men – younger thinner and stylish in a bowl full of lovely gold fish. Seeing them as something other as a group instead of individuals. Some who you talked to stylish and boisterous – were still in a high school mentality in their 40’s – trapped in anger and uncomfortable in their beautiful mannish skin. All wanting to be noticed even when they are coupled up flouncing their asses and biceps from 30 to 70. And there I was the youngest feeling the oldest watching taking it in. Talking to approachable people… one saying remembering I was “sober” as he put it asking if I wanted a “soda” – in a “poor you” have some medicine…tone.
I left feeling like a freak. Only one man larger in his 40’s with a gap in his front teeth was nice. Could have been gay… I liked his spirit… like a puppy dog… but in all I came home and cried. I broke down – wanting you… the structure of our life…the assuredness of our path… I became hysterical looking at the moon. Where are you…I’m so lost and such a fool. Lamenting how bare I feel cutting off what’s left of my hair and facial mask … so many people didn’t recognize this mass of skin with big eyes. Some feeling the need to comment – other’s ignoring my presence.
I’ve been in hiding, I would say as many who hadn’t seen me in years – the reference to those years of pain, suffering and grief with a smirk and a joke… no need to bring in the pain to the forefront for someone I know so little about or care to.
Some ending our conversation with I never told you but I’m so … “sorry”, “angery” “can’t imagine” how I feel with my husband dead…
And then running into a work colleague – Pat… her husband died a year after you… she bumps along…as innocuous as ever… me trying to reach out in the language of greif journey and fine I’m speaking Latin to a 6 year old …
And yet Sunday – I walked into the event with gusto – not afraid of anything – why have fear I thought… look what you’ve been through… why let fear control you… something “Bad” will happen? You can handle it. Fuck it.. Enjoy.. Hello Jeffery, Hello Heather… each judging looking awfully uncomfortable – me taking control of my situtation. me being the only one wearing a mask in the middle of a large mass of people indoors” Why are you wearing a mask.. protection.. health issues?” The first thing he says after I say hello… “it doesn’t matter Jeffery, I just wanted to say hello”….Which ended our conversation. Heather turning quietly and running away after I called to her saying a warm hello…why a city council campaign has become a reason to avoid and pick sides I have no idea. Amazing how grumpy they looked, standing back and judging the full situation – dividing up the room into the “For” and “Against” group – at least that’s what it seemed… my projection…
From your life’s lesson – life is too short and throws you curves and chunks of dung at times and others balloons, a bird on the wing and flowers… each having it’s value of experience.
After my wailing subsided on Saturday night… my wilted, tired body fell asleep aware of the riches I carry inside even if their physical embodiment has vanished.
I love you honey.