Liz called. She didn’t remember I had been there for 10 days. She has no idea of the wreck that was left of me for the past week and a half because of it. She was clearly shaken over the phone… “This has never happened to me…” She was overwhelmed. And I went into care taken mode… I totally understand…as well you should be…this is what we did… I’m always here for you.. to remind you…
Meanwhile I could barely move today. My anxiety attack after grocery shopping laid me low… parachute pills transformed me into a groggy fog of myself… prone on the bed… I feel like it’s a year ago… almost 4 months into your death.
The shroud is back upon me. You are gone. Liz is disappearing and I have no idea what my life is supposed to be or what I want it to be.
I dreamed: Brian got a group condo in a huge building 30 stories high and blocks long – brand new… gorgeous furnishings – but no walls… it was like a group dormitory – semi privacy but no walls. You were there honey, we tried to leave. I new it was wrong (NO BOUNDARIES) So I needed to create some. – Somehow I got out not before meeting all these lesbians of a certain age asking me about you and when you died.
Everything was new BUT exposed.
And now tonight…LIz is alone…family not really dealing with the fact that she’s turned another corner… closer to being gone… if only she had it in her will to have her wishes to end her life before it all became to unbearable….
I tried calling Jackie, Text Betsy…but I feel so lost… lost and I WANT to make may way out… Text Wanda… Hate the world… I’m alone most of the time… Mary is on vkay with fam… Mary T is quilting, Rob & Jeanne are back in Colorado… Garris… my Garris is grieving his friend and I know worried about his future… Birdelle is getting on… He sounds like he should be my heir to my will if I die… Something else I need to deal with.
I have a beautiful rusty rose colored Hydrangea in front of me… color, change, day, night all remind me of you my love… my dearest love. My Songan. I remember you.