Category: Grief
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Puff
Last night with a heavy head, looking in the mirror I notice under the left eye a lump bump sag – it ached. A single area of my body encapsulated how I’m feeling these days. One more ailment. I never used to be like this. I now have a before times… you were alive, I…
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…with a start
5 am: walking down the stairs tailing the parade of dog cat, anxiety and fear drop in and rush me to fix. Fix now. The urge is … not an urge really but more like a spasm of the unknown. Fill it now. figures add up and I expect to have the answer – now…
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Dancing
The kitchen is home to our ghosts. Dancing still as our supper simmers on the stove. You in my arms – I in yours – hand around your waist, my left hand in holding gently onto your right hand. Chest to chest. Your eyes are there floating in the air – staining at me –…
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Trigger finger
Once the trigger has been pulled there’s no going back. No way to stop the waves of emotions, memories and false narratives from floating about. Like a paint gun splashes of color exploding on my skin, shirt, face, and groin. Talking myself through the possibilities. Giving voice to the explosions against my body. I had…
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Fist
With tenderness gently caressing my right hand to open up. Balling into a fist at jolting traumatic memories triggered by adjusting the bedside table closer to the bed. I breathe into it – the rush of a thousand hours of ache, worry, fear, death – the loss of you, us, me in the single movement.…
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Ache
My body is the Leaning Town of Pisa, The sinking city of Venice, The remains of Notre Dame after the fire. It aches, creaks and is off balance. My body no longer feels like home base but a turbulent flight I must endure. Eyes closed I breathe deep, seeing where the jolt of unease and…
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Enact
The way my body and mind are tracking these days, I’m bound to make mistakes, rush, through clouds of fog – do my best at the moment. But what if now – just for now – I complete a task and wait. Wait. Review. Then send. What if instead of thinking FOR someone, you brake…
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Yes, I want more.
I go to Whole Foods for 8am opening. The drive down ocean drive was lovely and slow. I drop off something sweet for a friend just starting work (my social time for the day). And home… As I tread the steps to my front door, my balance falters and my head swims – and so…
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Fuzz
I’m so aware of my body when I wake. It crowds out thoughts. The heavy head with a fuzzy buzz, nauseous stomach and tingling legs, face, mouth, feet, nipples, balls, How to fix my nervous system? 7 months now. Yesterday – I listed your paintings in the left cupboard. Paints were wiped down and put…
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Funny thing…
So I thought cutting back on my drinking would help me feel more in control, more serene and here I am crying and missing you just as if I had two bourbons and a bottle of wine…like I have for the past year an a half. If I’m going to travel this journey, I’m going…