Dream: You and I were living in a new 40 story building in New York City. It was night – everything was lovely…streamlined…the building collapsed, the floor fell and I with it, landing on the sidewalk, on my feet, without you. No where in sight.

I was filled with horror, looking for you. Sadness wrapped itself around me as I moved into a new building 2 doors down. This Condo with twice the stories and my condo was right below where the building had its weakest point on the 62nd floor. Where half the building was an outdoor terrace and a three story duplex…then continued up to the 80th floor. Weakness built into the foundation for the person who owned the duplex. Doomed to fail.

I’m in the lobby having a panic attack afraid to take the elevator to my home. It feels like there are no walls in the elevator and I surely will fall again. A group of gay guy friends arrive not understanding why I’m so afraid. I scream at them. Yelling that I’ve lived through horrors – my husband is dead and you act as if taking an elevator is an easy natural thing when its so dangerous…someone gets me into the elevator and I close my eyes and hunker to the floor. He stands by me…

I go to the 80th floor looking for the fool who lives above me – who will ineveitalbly cause my world to fail again. I know it’s a man. A man I could be attracted to. I don’t find him or his door. They all look the same.

I’m back in my condo, the friends from the lobby are there, drinks being served and rainbow pettycoat netting skirts and we all put them on…and but one man who comes out. He’s bear chested, with vine pants on…where you could see between the vines to his bare legs and crotch.. his penis was small. I was attracted to him and longed for his strength as he held out his hand.

The memory of falling 40 stories fresh in my mind – looking around – everything seemed dangerous…where I lived…my friends…the night…

He held out his hand…

llll Dream OverIIIII

I woke up….to Baby Love having some kind of heat stroke after getting him into the bed to keep my company – then he was on his back still gasping for breath…I realized he peed the bed…

THEN THE HOSPITAL CAME CRASHING IN…there I am afraid he will die on my, stripping the bed… creating a clean bed with what i had… cleaning the pee off him with a hot wet towel, assuring him that I will take care of him… IT WAS ALL SO AUTOMATIC…Baby love was lying on your side of the bed and there I am laying down clean towels… LIKE I DID FOR YOU… giving him the whole of the bed, leaving me a sliver to sleep on… 5 MONTHS FOR YOU…NO SLEEP…FEARING YOUR DYING NEXT TO ME…WATCHING YOUR STOMACH TO MAKE SURE WERE BREATHING…I get baby love relaxed and he is snoring next to me.. LIKE YOU…

One Minuit a disaster – uncomfortable mess… cleaned up and clean and comfortable – saying to Baby Love…”I will do my best to take care of you. Im here for you for as long as you need me”. And I am up most of the night – no tears, no yearning, just a dead feeling… no thoughts or emotions – just a blank stare. Overwhelmed again and doing my best, without you. Without you.

My blank eyes staring into the dark bedroom…in the moment but not – feelings unable to permeate my blank eyes – walling me in, saving me from the pain raining on me – like a man having his leg sawed off with no anesthetic.

That was last night. Today my eye sight end 2 feet around me. Baby Love seems fine… I may have scared him last night, he may have had a small stroke… I will take care of him and myself…

The outside world is too much…too much energy…nonsense for me to register. If I am out – I put up the mask – that I’m fine and leave exhausted coming home and passing out on the bed.

Where are you my sweet? I miss you so…

Now my eyes fill with tears and my vision clears – feelings flow and wet the table I sit at.