I’m so aware of my body when I wake. It crowds out thoughts. The heavy head with a fuzzy buzz, nauseous stomach and tingling legs, face, mouth, feet, nipples, balls, How to fix my nervous system? 7 months now.
Yesterday – I listed your paintings in the left cupboard. Paints were wiped down and put away in an organized manner. I was stunned at a few pierces of your work… inspiration like a spark still living in painting soon stored after its creation. Longing to be in the light… A sin to keep it under a basket.
Then stock, bread, soup were made. Groceries bought and pet food stored. Everyone at 1033 now can be taken care of – The stock has been replenished… Not sure why I am living as if during a war. Eating everything up until there’s nothing left… bare fridge, hoping I have enough energy to go shopping…waiting for checks from clients…
I live like I’m a pauper… Been alone since Wednesday… no real social contact… me, the garden, the pets and those I pass by. Sounds dreary when I say it to an empty room.
I nap allot… the fuzziness runs me, ruins the momentum of the day…always surprising me… at 2pm…
It’s 6am now and I could fall back asleep…but the buzzing in my legs would keep me up…
These symptoms have white noise surrounding my grief – making my head fuzzy and unable to remember the way life used to be. Maybe that’s a blessing…possibly the fog will lift and I can carry forth the parts of my old life – renew them with the day’s – out of the ashes… I bloom.