Rating the Day

The day starts with surveying my body – how it feels, balance, heaviness of my scalp, etc. Then onto my insides – where am I as I wake to the world of day.

Today – nausea 8, neuropathy heavy in the legs, arms and some in the face 7, vertigo 5, Brian fog 7, my scalp feels heavy and numb up front 7. INSiDe..I want to know I’m not making this up. My whole perception of grief of your death, changes in life, mortality at my sphere of influence… At least these physical symptoms are real and keep me grounded in a weird way.

Yesterday I opened the art studio in the morning, late in the afternoon. I rolled up your paintings on your wall board, but on a cd and went to work drawing for a new project. I was only an hour but I took ownership of your space…I started to see what I wanted to do and how it felt to have a space specifically just for me away from the house – to play and think. I understood why you created it.

This was a big step for me. Honey, guide my play – lead me to the playground, encourage me to try and fail, and try again. Take me to the edge as you did so well in life. You lived it on the cusp – aware of the finality of it all.

The calm is a bit unsettling.