Chasing my tail

I woke to more nausea than usual. Coffee that usually makes me feel comforted in bed as I do the NYT leaves me uneasy and bloated. The cat cleaning itself makes me feel seasick. Everything around me is hard to take in with my sight. Good Wednesday morning. Angry and full of angst.

Yesterday was a waist of a day. Back/forth, back forth to Freehold – for a fools errand. The Apple Store was packed – me the only one at the mall in a mask, waiting for the rep to tell me my phone is fine – that’s the way it works… my paranoia after dropping my new phone made me think something was loose. My timeslot wasn’t sent in so I sat for 45 minutes with screaming children around and noisy phone obsessed serfs – worried their world would end with the magic oracle not working… So I was forgotten about, lost in an alien world waiting for something to happen…SOUND FAMILIAR?

VNG test is Friday… the medical community and its systems is a joke. 3 months to wait for this test. A test that I have to stop my anti depressant for. Which will make me more nauseous and dizzy… nice.. We are boiled down to our symptoms. Picking them apart, the practitioners (while obsessing their own lot of vocational choice) treat what they can see on the screen – results that are a clue, if that, a ruminant of what MAY be the cause…but the patients self is left behind. Abandoned in an alien word, waiting for a savior. It sounds familiar…

A depressing way to start the day. Yes.

I’m hitting my head against the same wall you did. Why not stop. Do the best you can and stop looking for answers. Because I need help. Any worse and I will be enveloped by my grief of loss of you and my body and mind. When with what the RESULTS show is that I’m fine… but my experience says otherwise.

Trust yourself and be good to yourself. Smile, all’s good.