Hope & Dread

I wake up and everything is still is in that – sleepy unaware state. I felt queasy but was aware the tingling was dull. Then 5 minutes after walking downstairs – nausea takes over, tingling gage goes way up and my head gets heavier.

And yet.

The candle it lit on your altar. The pets are asleep between my feet. The colors of the room brighten with daylight. Your picture stands to my left on my bedside table, but now I regularly sleep on your side of the bed.

And then.

The elevator drops through the ceiling and there I am pulling up your body to rest on a mountain of pillows. Your grunts of pain. The helpless feeling. I envision us clasping hands and the scene fades but remains frozen. I hold onto your hand. And there we are fleeing the hospital and my face and arms are inflamed in neuropathy. You fearful of being kept hostage in the hospital. Paranoia wrapping you up and I in it as we steel into the car and to your final week at home.

It’s only 6:20 and I can’t fathom going forward into the day. This nausea keep washing over me. Two years of loss, hints of life, movement…clearing away the stuff to see what life is here for me. As I see a new war raging with those I know, like, and love as they struggle to live as it is slowly recedes away from them.

I feel helpless, weak, and uneasy as I step into my armor and smiling face the humid daybreak.