The sheets need to be washed.

The garden needs watering.

The fridge needs to be filled.

The car needs to be washed.

The morning glories need to be transplanted.

The dogs nails need to be clipped.

The hole in the roof needs to be fixed.

The tealights need to be refilled on your alter.

The bikes need to be oiled.

Artwork needs to be cataloged.

The bathroom ceiling needs to be closed.

The bathroom toilet needs to stop running.

My skin needs moisturizing.

The sea needs to be met…

I find rare joy these days. And rare joy is lovely. It’s not your everyday, humdrum surface joy of doing laundry, or making bread. It’s the deep down belly laugh joy that surprises you since I haven’t felt real joy or really any calm emotion since you died. And with the brain fog enveloping my senses and motivation – I move in slow motion.

Early on in grief, life was a stop frame of “The Scream”. Raw ripped emotion, rending garments and ashes everywhere – at least a year and a half. Then the virus we avoided for 2 years hit me – Covid crept into the nooks of my sorrow and has found comfort there. Just as my head came out of the hole I was in – a dense fog settled around me and my balance once taken for granted fell.

How do others in my situation move into a next phase and I am stuck – yes I’m making headway. I actually cleaned away part of your alter. Things you never will use again…dust trapped and sparkling. I took them apart and put them in bags to recreated later.

John down the street went on his first date. His husband died a year ago. I have no interest in acting on anything – gay life feels artificial… at least the tea dance, daddy leather, posing, couple griping, fashion forward, manicured lawn, thruple, open, drink filled, drug induced dancing, drag, porn filled web, swiping… I found comfort and love in our relationship – not an ordinary relationship…but it seemed to work for you and I.

2 years and 2 months since you died. My dog and cat are my constant companions and confidants as I wait for my body to heal.

Body balance, mind clarity, joy induced optimism. I wake up hoping for it to bloom.