Yes, I want more.

I go to Whole Foods for 8am opening. The drive down ocean drive was lovely and slow. I drop off something sweet for a friend just starting work (my social time for the day). And home… As I tread the steps to my front door, my balance falters and my head swims – and so my energy for the morning has been spent.

9:30 am with the day ahead and my mind is blocked – all the things on my white board of to-dos are a jumble and I can’t imagine being able to do them. The day floats before me and the desire to change it – to forge steel, bend glass, bring the dead to life – sits still – a deep pool of desire with a glass surface. Windless – the ache for more sits at its shore.

*Covid cases are on the rise – unusual for a summer month – silence from most – 99% have forgotten – and we on the forgotten edge uncared for and feared of what they could become – obliterated by the thought-less-ness. Even the medical community will not take a stand on whole…as tomorrow I go for my VNG test, there are thoughts of the uselessness of the act – knowing that the interpretation of the results wont happen till the end of the Summer. “Just the way things are.” It takes energy to fight an invisible battle where one counts less than your statistics and base line of interpretation – kept tight on a hard drive. For no one to see… and yet with little fire of spirit – the self – says here I am – says – listen to me – see me – through apps, emails, texts, faxes, and voice mail. Human connection has been cut off and when you have the 15 minutes of time you have been waiting for 3 months – you are not you – you are 63, anxious/depressive history, gay male ( if they even go there), telling a story – no one quite believes because its not in the data, and even if it were – wouln’t be said outloud for fear of being sued, being labeled, of malpractice. Courage of convictions and insight have died amongst the living. Only the dead, neglected and forgotten, understand at the cellular level.