I”m not sure why, but for the last 3 weeks the heat has decided to have a mind of it’s own. The second floor now resembles my old apt on 19th street where we had to keep the window open… the heat never stops… I closed the windows and my poor little love over heated.

Another mistake… another way in which I didn’t think… Just like when you were sick… I hurt you by accident… you fell… I couldn’t hold you up as your right side became dead… we fought… we couldn’t work as one… I made so many mistakes over the past years… trying to keep you happy, trying NOT to upset you. Instead of taking control… I wanted you to be in control – which you wanted as well… I don’t know how we survived January February, March and April… and then we didn’t.

And tonight just brought it back… something I did effected another living being… and I was too self involved. I know I’m being hard on myself…

But I looked to the stars tonight. I took the moment – because it really is all we have… I have…the moment… I waist so much time in fear… What anniversaries of hell I have entered… Tomorrow will be year when you get home and show me how much your arm isn’t lifting… your slur getting worse… we had no idea… you had just been thrown overboard and I flailing triying to save you.. but keep you intact – if that makes any sense…

I miss the before times – You and I – walks on the beach… dancing in the kitchen – you tickling me… and I getting angry…

I’m not sleepy… I never am… then my days are scattered… without you…

I love you so…thank you for telling me to look at the stars and rebuking me for not staying out there longer… Nature – is a gift…the sun on my face… my gait… my body working as it does… and so little Baby Love took me for a walk today and woke me up… to the real world… our world…. I miss you so …. My heart is broken and I act like a fish on a line… struggling against life….

Baby love has stopped panting… and is sleeping – Maybe I can sleep – in time..

Goonight my love.