I got up early and went to Sandyhook. It was lovely – I started walking at 7:40 and got back to the car at 9:15 am – I found a piece of green glass, stripped naked and swam in the cool water, noticed the remains of jelly fish a sure sign of August at the…

I swear drs fool around with the human body as if there are shaking sticks and rolling stone with meds… three days into this medication and I’m dizzy, numb and I can’t concentrate… I main gain weight, I might loose any sexual drive. Not that I HAVE any to loose. But this Waking up on…

Liz called. She didn’t remember I had been there for 10 days. She has no idea of the wreck that was left of me for the past week and a half because of it. She was clearly shaken over the phone… “This has never happened to me…” She was overwhelmed. And I went into care…

That’s what your phone said. “Remember there’s a thin veil”…from a former client of yours on your phone. I hadn’t looked at your phone in weeks. Not plugged in – it was dead. I plugged it in and there was a text… to your phone for me from Maureen… Wishing me Condolences. I answered back……

I awoke at 5am… hungover emotionally and physically. Angry. Foggy grief as I look at your photo… wanting to use this anger to fuel my day.. and barell through it – but once I stop… then I collapse… Gay pride – ugh… meeting people I haven’t seen since your death… wanting hugs – wanting to…

Numbness has become my regular neutral… 5 O’clock shot to end the day while I weep in the A.M. and throughout the day… Everyday is a wrestling match… how do I make it through. Every move is 10 calls and waiting… income slows to a crawl and I’m surrounded by things to do…. everyday things……

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,Silence the pianos and with muffled drumBring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overheadScribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,Let the traffic policemen…

Today is not the day to climb the pole. Today is not the day fill the city potholes that un-align my car and center Today is not the day to loose 20 lbs, turn back 20 years or relearn 2.0 lessons learned in elementary school Today is no the day make the sun rise. Today…

Releasing the past anxieties. They paths of the synapses. The visions. The fear. Releasing the present. The expectations – anxious expectations. Releasing what I thought I would become. Releasing past thoughts, theories, reasoning, and anger – with a breath. Release.

here we go out to drive. to park. to k turn. walk the beach….